No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
he fucked my hip out of place.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
