there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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