do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
