Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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