sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
What happened to fro yo and sex?
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
