He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
