Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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