My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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