when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
