He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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