I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
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