from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
