My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
