Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
