you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Let's paint friendship bongs
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
