for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
