if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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