i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
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