She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
