ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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