if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
