im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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