My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
