the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
