Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
