I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Randomize
