At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
