I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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