How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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