I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
