At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
