i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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