you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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