wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
