mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
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