I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
