...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
