Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
