Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
