im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
You can't special order awesome
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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