and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
