i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
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