she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Randomize
