On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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