my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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