If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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