shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
