So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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