Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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