I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
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