I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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