did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
