Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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