I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Randomize
